"Don't touch me right now." About being touched-out.

Touched – out. What is it? And how do you deal with it as a couple?

Despite the fact that many mothers experience the touched-out feeling, there is almost no scientific research on it. Research is needed. Because it does exist. In real life, it is clearly palpable. But where does it come from, how can we better understand it, and how can you deal with it?

Being touched-out is a feeling of being overstimulated. Of constantly having your body available and in contact with your child(ren), making it feel overtaxed. As if your body is no longer your own and only 'serves' others. This feels new and intense because your body is not used to receiving so many stimuli.

You can look at it in two ways:

1. You constantly give your child physical closeness, leaving you 'drained' at the end of the day.
(e.g., during breastfeeding, your naked body is frequently and extensively in contact with your baby)
(e.g., your toddler doesn't like you being 10 cm away from them, so they are constantly clinging to your leg or sitting on your lap).

2. You receive a lot of physical closeness from your child.
(e.g., your toddler is a real hugger and regularly gives you a big hug).

What feeling do you have at the end of the day? That you have received enough or that you have given enough?

If you are breastfeeding, this requires more and more intense physical contact than if you are not breastfeeding. It is known that there are sometimes periods during breastfeeding when it feels 'too much' or physically exhausting. That may be a reason for you to stop, but it certainly doesn't have to be. What can help you in that phase to make intense physical contact manageable? Discuss these questions openly with your partner and think together. But sometimes it is not necessary to find a solution, and there isn't one. Then it is enough to just be able to discuss it with your partner and experience that he/she listens. Even if it cannot be resolved.

Physical touch is very important in a relationship, but during the early years, it can quickly become scarce and cause tension.

How can you deal with it as a couple?

1. Absolve your partner.

When your partner takes the initiative to touch you, it can be quite vulnerable for them.
When you push their hand away, it can feel like a rejection, "Don't you love me anymore?" Even if you don't mean it that way. You feel your body and feel that your body is exhausted, and at the same time, you also feel that you love your partner, even if you push their hand away. Your partner needs to hear that. To hear that you still love them.

2. How does your partner try to touch you? At what pace and where?

Some parts of your body may be overstimulated, but other parts are not. Our skin surface is enormous. Perhaps at that moment, you would enjoy being stroked on your back, but your partner tends to always stroke your leg, and that gives you a restless and overstimulated feeling.

There is also much variation in the pace of touching a body: fast, slow, moderate, hard, soft, with a full hand, with a few fingers, ...

As you can see, there isn't one way of touching. Just as there isn't one way to give a hug or lie together on the couch.
Look for what does feel good.

It might feel good to get a firm massage before you go to sleep, but you might not feel like spooning and falling asleep that way.

3. Seek connection in another way

Physically touching each other is one of many ways to feel intimacy and connection in your relationship. Both you and your partner need very much to feel loved.

When your body is exhausted and doesn't want to be touched, look together for other ways to connect. Play a game together, go through your photo album and share memories of happy family moments or even the time when you were a couple without children.

When your partner touches you, they are looking for contact, for connection. How can you find a connection at that moment that matches what you are ready for (emotionally and physically) at that moment?

To try together: – Stroke/rub each other on different parts of your body, feel where it feels good for your partner to caress you. – Experience how it feels when your partner caresses you more softly or less quickly. Vary the pace. – Express what it does to your body when your partner touches you.

 

For the partner seeking physical contact

When you seek physical contact, it can be hurtful and feel like a rejection when your partner doesn't want it. Thoughts like "Does she still love me?" or "What am I doing wrong?" or "See, things aren't going well for us" quickly pop into your head. Know that your partner's physical overload has nothing to do with love or affection.
Your partner loves you and feels overstimulated. How can it feel good for you to connect, without or with less physical contact? What do you need to feel connected, and how can you make this clear to your partner in another way? How can you be understanding of your partner?

When you can understand each other, "you feel overstimulated, and that has nothing to do with your love for me" and "I want to touch you because I'm seeking connection with you," only then can you truly find each other and feel the love emanating from that.

You can express your understanding for your partner by saying:
"I can understand that you're overstimulated; our youngest really can't be pried away from you, can he? I also need to be close to you; I really want that. What would feel good for you right now?"