"He wants to, and I don't" About a difference in sexual desire after having children.

One of the issues many couples encounter after having children is sex.
Not so much because love has disappeared, but because physical intimacy is no longer a given. Because one partner may have regained their desire, while the other hasn't.
Or perhaps it has always been this way, but the difference is only now truly noticeable.

In a large-scale study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine (2021), 64% of women reported a decrease in sexual desire in the first year after childbirth. For men, this was 32%.
The reasons? Fatigue, hormonal changes, lack of time, and mental burden were most frequently cited (Rosen et al., 2021).

Additionally, in a British survey (Relate, 2020), 1 in 5 young parents indicated feeling that their sexual relationship has been under pressure since the birth of their child. The difference in desire, in particular, was perceived as burdensome.

This difference in desire often surfaces in small moments:
a hand gently resting on your thigh, while your mind is still preoccupied with laundry and sleep deprivation.
A shoulder briefly touched, and you suddenly startle.
A kiss that feels like a request for something you cannot give.

Desire doesn't always come naturally. And the difference in rhythm between you two can suddenly feel very large and insurmountable. While at its core, it's about something simple: you both seek connection, but at a different time and at a different pace.

Connection in a different way, at a different time.

One misses physical intimacy, the other primarily misses space for themselves.
One hasn't felt truly touched in weeks. The other has felt continuously physically available for weeks, for the children, for the family, for everything that needs to be done.
And these two realities can perfectly coexist, without anyone being 'wrong' or 'doing something wrong'.

The problem only arises when the difference in desire is taken personally.
When the partner who has desire thinks: "Why don't you want (me) anymore?"
And the other thinks: "Why don't you see that I'm tired?"

If desire remains one-sided for too long, interpretations quickly creep in.
You feel rejected. Or overburdened. And slowly, the gap widens.

But sex isn't about being perfectly aligned.
It's about getting in tune, in a busy life that is changing.

If you have desire more often

If you're the one who has desire more often, you might feel unseen.
You miss your partner's body. The touch. The spontaneity of before.
You need that closeness not only for sex, but to feel that you are still a couple.

That desire is genuine. But it should not become pressure.

When your partner indicates they don't have desire, it's not a rejection of you as a person.
It's often just a physical boundary. A boundary of a body that is exhausted.
Due to sleepless nights. Due to constant availability. Due to hormones.
Not due to a lack of love.

What you can do: express your desire without imposing it.
Say: "I miss you."
Say: "I long for you, even if it's not the right time now."

Let them feel you're available, without demanding anything.

If you have less desire

If you have less desire, you might feel guilty. As if you're shortchanging your partner.
As if you're no longer a good lover, only a parent.

But don't let that guilt define your truth.

According to the 'responsive desire' model (Basson, 2001), as many as 70% of women do not have spontaneous sexual desire, but develop desire during intimacy itself. If there is peace, connection, and safety.

This means: you don't have desire before contact, but you do when you are calmly close to someone. So desire is not always a starting point, but can also be a consequence of contact.

You're not broken. You're not wrong.
You're just tired. Overwhelmed.
Perhaps even a bit alienated from your own body, which suddenly seems to belong to everyone except yourself.

Say what you do feel.
Say: "I love you. But I just need time to feel space in my body again."
That small distinction makes a world of difference.
Because it says: "You're not rejected. I just need some rest."

You don't have to reject sex. You can also postpone it. Or suggest an alternative.
Perhaps now is the time for other forms of intimacy.
A back massage. A hug. Holding each other without expectation.
This way, you build renewed desire, at your own pace.

And above all: keep physically (non-sexually) touching each other. That is the best breeding ground.

To try together: – Express what desire means to you. What do you miss? What are you looking for? – Ask each other: "What helps you to get in the mood for sex?" – Together, think about what forms of touch are enjoyable right now. – Plan free time together, where sex can be a part of it, but doesn't have to be. A study from the University of Toronto (McCarthy & Ross, 2019) shows that couples who communicate openly and non-judgmentally about their differences in desire experience more sexual satisfaction and less relational stress than couples who avoid or suppress. And touch also really makes a difference: warm physical contact (such as hugs or massages) increases oxytocin levels and can strengthen the feeling of connection in both partners. In a study by Light et al. (2005), it was found that 20 seconds of hugging was enough to significantly reduce stress levels and increase connectedness.